9 to 5

Fw: What women want

2007-05-13T05:41:00.000-07:00

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of aneighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved byArthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year tofigure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone:The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch,For only she would have the answer.But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to thewitch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified.She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
"What a woman really wants?" She said, "Is to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was.

The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom.

And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half.

"Which would you prefer? She asked him. "Beautiful during the day ... or at night?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch! Or, Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments

(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?

(If you are a woman reading this..) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose, is given below:

BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below... OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question,

He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
Because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life."

Now... what is the moral to this story?
Scroll Down........

The moral is...
1) There is a witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

So, always remember:IT'S EITHER "HER WAY" OR IT'S "NO WAY" !!! :)

Fav quotes used in 2006

2006-12-30T10:40:00.000-08:00

A roundup of some of my favorite quotes ... :)

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

"She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech."

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

"A good report is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation"

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway

Boldly going nowhere….

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend

"What if this weren't a hypothetical question?"

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

They say we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make…

Pessimist – “things couldn’t possibly get worse than this” … Optimist (brightly) – “oh yes they can”

Those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do

"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility"!

Every morning is the dawn of a new error

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by

Everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE

Multi-tasking means screwing up several things at once.

Saving is the best thing, especially if your parents have done it for you.

I can resist everything except temptation

CAUTION: Dain bramaged

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

"When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?"

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."

"If you cant dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull"

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets

"I kinda love being a pessimist - coz' I'm either proved right, or am pleasantly surprised."

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

"To make a million, start with $900,000."

Maybe this world is another planet's hell

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the person you can't live without...but whichever you do, you'll regret it!

"Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell."

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”

Fw: Resume

2006-12-02T22:06:00.000-08:00

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Fw: Kids say the darndest things ...

2006-11-10T21:23:00.000-08:00

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 (smart girl)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Fw : Why I Fired My Secretary !!!!

2006-11-05T06:40:00.000-08:00

Why I Fired My Secretary !!!!
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss". Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a
big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends,
all singing Happy Birthday.

-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

And there I sat...on the couch..........naked!

Fw: Rules

2006-09-29T04:15:00.000-07:00

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like Bipasha Basu, don't Expect us to be like John
Abraham.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh!

Fw: HR Memo

2006-09-24T03:55:00.000-07:00

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul
language during the course of normal conversation with their
co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees
who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no
longer tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able
to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue in an effective manner without risk
of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO...

TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
When the #### do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING
I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No ####### way!!

TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING
Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF
Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF
It's not my ####### problem.

TRY SAYING
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the ####?!?!

TRY SAYING
I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF
#### it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF
Who the #### cares?

TRY SAYING
He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF
He's got his head up his a$$.

TRY SAYING
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat shit and die ######.

TRY SAYING
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my a$$.

TRY SAYING
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF
#### it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up you're a$$.

TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.

TRY SAYING
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another ####### meeting!!!

TRY SAYING
I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF
I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He's a ####### prick.

TRY SAYING
She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF
She's a bitch.

TRY SAYING
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF
You don't know what the #### you're doing

---
This one is close to my heart ... have felt like using the uncensored versions quite often ... ;)

FW: what those nice sounding lines in job ads really mean

2006-09-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

... and always remember -
A modern employer - one who wants to hire 25-30 yr olds with 40 yrs of experience.

Fw: a few lame ones ....

2006-09-08T05:43:00.000-07:00

Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?
Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.

============================================================

Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have came again..

============================================================

Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Santa : I was watching TV na....

============================================================
Thought for the Day!!!

If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?

Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM

============================================================

When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?

Answer : On their Wedding !!

Fw: Stupid questions ... Smart Answers

2006-08-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes
out of the mouth.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped
him, what virtue would I beshowing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day
and at the same time."

Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son

Fw: Mallu Q & A ... (I enjoyed this ... tho I am one too ... :)

2006-08-17T22:32:00.000-07:00

1. Name the wonly part of the werld where Malayalis don't werk hard?
A. Kerala .

2. Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
A. To go to Thoobai, to meet his ungle in the Gelff.

3. Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?
A. To yearn menney.

4. What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
A. He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

5. What is a Malayali management graduate called?
A. Yem Bee Yay.

6. Why did his wife divorce him?
A. Because he was louwing anader woman.

7. Who found out that?
A. His andy.

8. What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
A. He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

9. What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
A. An Oto.

10. Who is Malayali's fyamous yeactor end yaectress?
A. Moghan lal, Mammooti, Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.

11. Why Kerala is the most highly literate state in India?
Its easily giving Degree to get rid of the peapals from Kerala.

12. Why Arab countreis are looking for only Keralites?
They are ready to do yennything for menney.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:
Please don't delete this ! after reading, You should atleast send this
mail to:
10 Malayalis & you will receive cokknut oil,
20 Malayalis and you will receive bennena chips,
40 Malayalis you will receive appams,
Send this to 100 Malayalis and you will get free land near the rice
field behind the lungi factory with additional incentive of a whole
month's supply of cokknut oil and bennena chips free

Fw: Conspiracy theory ...

2006-08-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

Many dentists recommend Colgate to their patients for oral health care. Today, I chanced upon what could be a major oral health care conspiracy as I carefully read the label of ‘Colgate Total 12’. It stated - “Fights 12 teeth and gum problems”.

Now I ask you - Why does ‘Colgate Total 12’ only fight against problems of 12 teeth? Will we have to use another brand (or perhaps brush 3 times with Colgate) to protect the rest of our teeth? Or is this a major conspiracy by dentists who hope to gain from the problems faced by the remaining teeth?

Scary isn’t it? ……… :)

This ORIGINAL PJ proudly presented by AR! :)

Have a gr8 day!
Anup

Fw: Elephants ....

2006-07-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

*Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?*

**
**
**
*

A: Take away his credit card.*

*Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?*

**
**
*

A:Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.*

*Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?*

**
**
*

A: Because it fell asleep.*

*Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?*

**
**
*

A: It was glued to the first one.*

*Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?*

**
**
*

A: It was a copy cat.*

*Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?*

**
**
*

A: It thought this was all a game.*

*Q: And why did the tree fall down?*

**
**
**
*

A: It thought it was an elephant.*

*Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in common?*

**
**
*

A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.*

*Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?*

**

*

A: Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.*

*Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?*

**

*

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.*

*Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?*

**
**
*

A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.*

*Q: How do you shoot a green elephant? *

**
**
*

A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,
then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.*

*Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?*

**

*

! A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top, then you take it out
in the jungle where the pink elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually
the elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins and throws the
cake away. Then you go home and bake another cake and put 2 raisins on top,
take it out in the jungle where the elephant will find it. The elephant
comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2 raisins and throws the cake away.
You go home and bake another cake and put only one raisin on it. Then you
trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the pink elephant will find
it. The elephant comes along eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now
you go home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky part) you don't
put any raisins on it. You take it out into the jungle where the elephant
will find it and lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds the
cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins on it, he turns red, then
you jump on him, strangle him until he turns blue......and you shoot him
with a BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!*

*Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?*

**

*

A: Aw, come on, have you ever seen a yellow elephant !?!*

*Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?*

**
**
*

A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.*

*Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?*

**

*

A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?*

*Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?*

**

*

A: Time to get a new fence.*

*Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?*

**
**
*

A: Any damn place where he pleases!*

*Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles?*

**
**
*

A: Ever try to iron one?

Thought for da day .....

2006-07-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

Deep deep down,
we want to be rich
to be admired
to eat like a horse and be skinny as a snake
to have small children ask for our autographs
to be on terrific medications that make us calm, witty and sexy
to sing divinely in public

But in the absence of all that, ...
... its enough to be loved.

-Garrison Keillor

Fw: The Headache

2006-07-01T01:01:00.000-07:00

"The Headache"
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years".
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Fav Quotes

2006-06-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

On skype, I try to liven things up by posting funny quotes every day. Here are a few favs... (obviously sourced from da internet)

"We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure."

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

"A good report is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation" ... my fav ... as that's exactly the stuff my reports are made of ... hehe ;)

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up."

Fw: Some good ones ...

2006-06-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

A Man sits for 4 hours looking at his Marriage Certificate. The Wife
asks? What are u doing.

He answers: "I'm lookingfor the Expiry Date"

-------------------------
Dog Watch

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"

Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate
he usually eats from."

--------------------------

The Boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his
boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK!
WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."

-----------------------

What part did you get?

This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a
school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said "That's good son, maybe
next time you'll get a talking role!"

Fw: Life explained? (sobering)

2006-06-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

ONE PARAGRAPH THAT EXPLAINS LIFE

Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of CANCER. From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease"? To this Arthur Ashe replied: The world over -- 5 crore children start playing tennis, 50 lakh learn to play tennis, 5 lakh learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbeldon, 4 to semi final, 2 to the finals, When I was holding a cup I never asked GOD "Why me?" And today in pain I should not be asking GOD "Why me?"

Happiness keeps u Sweet, Trials keep u Strong, Sorrow keeps u Human, Failure Keeps u Humble, Success keeps u Glowing, But only God Keeps u Going.....

Fw: U tell me!

2006-06-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his
schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology.
After one week, a test was held.

The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares.
In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs.
No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to
identify the birds from their legs.

The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute.
Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and
threw the test on the teacher's desk.

"This is the worst test I have ever given."

The teacher looked up and said:
"Young man, you have flunked the test.
What's your name?"

The student pulled up his pant-legs showing his legs and
said: "You tell me".

Fw: a Chinese PJ

2006-05-13T04:36:00.000-07:00

Chinese PJ
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise"

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again
the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams
down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, tells him what is happening, and
demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise….."
He continues, “and what have you served me….?”

Scroll down, you're going to love this....................
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>Ah... so sorry," apologies the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Fw: Good Questions .... great answers ... :)

2006-04-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take
four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples
and
three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one
hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Pro! bs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.(best one)

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

Fw: New guidelines for employees

2006-04-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

Hiya All,
This was real fun ... reminds me so much of Dilbert's world ... :)
Enjoy ... lolz ... :)

New Guidelines for Employees
1. DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise.

2. SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.

3. SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an
employee here, you need all your organs. You should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

4. PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

5. VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time
every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1,
August 15 and December 25.

6. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for deceased friends, relatives, or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
hour early, provided your work is done.

7. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require
at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train
your own replacement.

8. RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going once
each day, in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A'
will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin
with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, and the stall door will open.

9. LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to
eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size
people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance
meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people
get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Have a gr8 day ya all!
Anup

Fw: Inspiring quotes

2006-04-04T16:58:00.000-07:00

Hiya All

Some good quotes ....

Quotes & Fundas

1. Attitude determines your altitude

2. David for goliath - "He is not too big to hit, he is too big to miss"

3. The mind is invisible body and the body is visible mind.

4. Nobody can take your self respect without your consent.

5. Past is history and future is mystery, the greatest gift of god is present and because it is a gift, it is called present.

6. ASK - Attitude, Skills & Knowledge

7. To go up in life, you have to give up something.

8. Dreaming is more important than thinking.

9. Dare to dream and dream to dare.

10. "If you meet a person without a smile, give him yours"

11. The woods are lovely, dark & deep, But I have promises to keep and Miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep.

12. The faster I go, the more I lag behind.

13. You cannot control the time but you can the control the way you use it.

14. Managing time is managing life.

15. Look for gold and not dirt in people.

16. A small pencil is better than a long memory.

17. Be smarter than the next person but don't tell him.

18. Love between two human beings is not less - only the expectations are more.

19. My stomach is not the graveyard to bury dead animals. Animals are my friends and I do not eat my friends.

20. Finally you will hit only what you aim at.

21. Act like a sponge - absorb everything that you can.

22. Plan your life then live your plan.

23. You must create circumstances which you want in life.

24. Man who waits for roast duck to fly into his mouth, must wait for very very long time.

25. The best way to deal with fear is to face it.

26. I AM NOT TIRED.

27. If you think you can or think you cant - either way you are right.

Have a great week!!!

Anup

Fw: Personality Test

2006-04-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

Hiya All,

http://similarminds.com/jung.html

Don't know how accurate it is ... coz' according to it, being a poet/author is not one of my favored careers ... :)

But, it's good fun ... so, what type are ya??????

My result -
Extroverted (E) 56.1% Introverted (I) 43.9%
Sensing (S) 58.82% Intuitive (N) 41.18%
Thinking (T) 54.55% Feeling (F) 45.45%
Judging (J) 72.97% Perceiving (P) 27.03%

ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.

ESTJ

organized, group oriented, focused, conventional, leader, emotionally stable, anal, attention seeking, planner, realistic, fearless, responsible, finisher, decisive, norm following, respects authority, punctual, hard working, stiff, self confident, thinks rules and regulations are important, follows the rules, clean, outgoing, social, content, does not like being alone, normal, regular, does not like weird or strange people / things - intolerant of differences, strict, disciplined, aggressive, assertive, content, happy, proper, formal, strict with self, meticulous, strong sense of purpose

favored careers:

executive, ceo, supervisor, business consultant, manager, strategist, financial planner, business person, office manager, public relations manager, international business specialist, business analyst, management consultant, operations manager, loan officer, lawyer, marketing, sports management, government employee, investment banker

disfavored careers:

poet, artist, songwriter, musician, novelist, art therapist, theatre teacher, art curator, film editor, video game designer, photo journalist, travel writer, actor, record store owner, camera operator, art historian, music teacher

Fw: Automatic Email Messages

2006-04-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

Hiya All,

Somehow, I don't think you'll be seeing any of these automated email replies ever ..... but makes for fun reading ... :)

Disclaimer: THIS IS A FORWARD .... I am not the originator ... This message contains potentially disturbing material If u are in a bad mood OR IF u have a bad sense of humor ... so don't read any further ... and if u do read .... DON'T shoot the messenger!!!!!

Automatic e-mail reply messages
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the
position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to Management.

5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I
return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

8. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

9. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are
currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

10. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

11. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

12. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any
messages.

13. I've run away to join a different circus.

14. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Loretta" instead of "Steve."

LOLz ... :)

Peace Out!
Anup

Fw: Murphy's Law variants ...

2006-03-30T05:58:00.000-08:00

Hiya All,
Interesting ....

Variations On Murphy's Law
1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. Oob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.

11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.

13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.

14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.

15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.

17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.

18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Have a gr8 day!!! :)
Peace Out!
-Anup

Fw: Corporate Lesson No. 4

2006-03-28T05:15:00.000-08:00

4. Corporate Lesson 4

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.

"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.

" Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Corporate Lesson 4: Always let your boss have the first say

lolz ... for the curious ... the first 3 corporate lessons are banned in India .... plus, I need them to get ahead of ya all ... hehe ;)

Have a gr8 day!
Anup

Fw: Future Booker Prize winners???

2006-03-24T22:35:00.000-08:00

Received from an English Professor:

This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary
English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing
Professor Miller

In-class assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what
has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The
story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

-----------------------------------------

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of
the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A. S. Harris to
Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could
sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a
hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know that she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosian which vaporized
Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on
the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Ass.

Bitch.

Fw: Thought for da day

2006-03-24T22:33:00.000-08:00

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in maths and 20 in science."

+++
"James", said Martha, "it is our silver anniversary next tuesday. We should mark the occasion. Shall we kill the pig?"
The husband replied, "Kill the pig! What's the good of murdering an innocent pig for a blunder that happened twenty-five years ago?"

+++
Thought for the day ... why you shouldn't take long leave from work

When Arthur Brisbane was about to complete fifty years of journalism, Mr. Hearst, his employer, urged him to take a six month vacation with pay. This magnanimous offer Brisbane refused to accept, saying there were two reasons for his doing so.

"The first reason, "he said," is that I quit writing my daily column for six months, it might affect the circulation of your daily newspaper, the second is that it might not affect the circulation."

+++

Fw: More PJs ...

2006-03-21T06:05:00.000-08:00

I send it out to colleagues every Monday ... last Monday's batch was ...

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!

What is the fruitiest subject?
History, because it's full of dates!

Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!

How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
Tell him a joke .... when he's a baby!

What is a myth?
A female moth!

How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it's long enough!

How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?
Because it's round!

What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon?
The full moon because it's lighter! ... (brighter light)

What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!

Why did the child study in the aeroplane?
He wanted a higher education!

What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!

Why are goldfish red?
The water turns them rusty!

What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!

I'd tell you another joke about a pencil.
But it doesn't have any point!

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!

What makes the leaning Tower of Pisa lean?
It doesn't eat much!

Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!

What followed the dinosaur?
It's tail!

I've got a wonder watch. It only cost fifty cents.
Why is it a wonder watch?
Because every time I look at it I wonder if it is still working!

Dad, there is a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool.
Give him a glass of water!

Eat up your spinach, it'll put color in your cheeks.
But I don't want green cheeks!

Where does success come before work?
In the dictionary!

Did you hear about the fool you keeps going around saying "no"?
"No."
Oh, so it's you!

I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice.
You don't want justice - you want mercy!

What steps would you take if a madman came rushing at you with a knife?
Great big ones!

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars!

If two's company and three a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine!

What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
His nose!

What do you call an American drawing?
Yankee doodle!

What is a volcano?
A mountain with hiccups!

Why was the broom late?
It over swept!

What runs but never walks?
Water!

What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?
Ferry tales!

Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking!

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8!

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll hang around!

What did the picture say to the wall?
I've got you covered!

What is the best thing to take into the desert?
A thirst aid kit!

Who was the first underwater spy?
James Pond!

What is hairy and coughs?
A coconut with a cold!

What do you call a foreign body in a chip pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object!

Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery?
So he could loaf around!

I want a hair cut please.
Certainly, which one!

Why was the Egyptian girl worried?
Because her daddy was a mummy!

What pet makes the loudest noise?
A trum-pet!

A noise woke me up this morning.
What was that?
The crack of dawn!

Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time?
A jelly copter!

Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?
He wanted to put something away for a rainy day!

What's the difference between an American student and an English student?
About 3000 miles!

What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a flower?
I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it!

Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!

"Tell me" said the tourist to the local yokel. "Will this path take me to the main road?"
"No sir!", replied the man. "You'll have to go by yourself!"

What does "Maximum" mean?
A very big mother!

Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
Then why aren't you laughing!

How do you make milk shake?
Give it a good scare!

What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troopers!

What has two humps and is found at the North Pole?
A lost camel!

What is the most slippery country in the world?
Greece!

What kind of fish can't swim?
Dead ones!

What has a bottom at the top?
Your legs!

Have you ever seen a man eating tiger?
No, but in the cafe next door I once saw a man eating chicken!

What is the quickest way to double your money?
Fold it in half!

Fw: Da rich man and da beggar

2006-03-21T06:03:00.000-08:00

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7, 50.
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

Huge collection of PJs

2006-03-18T22:19:00.000-08:00

these were sent out by me to my colleagues over the past few weeks ....

What did the underworld don's son say to his dad after he sat for an exam?
A: They questioned me for three hours dad, but I didn't tell them a thing.

A man speeding on his Ferrari runs over a hare killing it. Being an animal lover, he tries to bring back the hare to life. He frantically searches the dicky of his car and finds a spray-can there. He sprays the dead animal with it and, miracles of miracles, the hare springs back to life.
It runs along the road, looks back and waves at the man. Then it runs a little again, looks back, and waves at him. WHY?
A: Look at the can. It's written on it: 'Hair spray. Brings life to dead hair. Increases waviness.'

One day Raghu went to shop for a mobile phone. He checked out many models in a shop and saw one he thought was very different from the rest. Tha phone kept shouting "Hello! Nice to meet you."
Raghu asked the shopkeeper why it was doing so. The shop-keeper replied, "Oh that phone! That's cause it's user-friendly!"

What hospital ward are cigarettes put in?
A: The menthol ward!

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife."No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Just then they saw a communist party official walking toward them."Let's not fight about it," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied:"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
The bear replies, "I'll have a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" (paws)
The bear replies, "I was born with them."

Once a corn plant, a tomato plant and a potato plant started businesses separately. Whose business do you think did the best?
A: Not sure but definitely Corn banega crorepati.

What is a chicken crossing the road called?
A: Poultry in motion.

Dad: Do you know what to do if, when you are driving by an airport, and you see a "low flying aircraft" sign?
Son: Let some air out of the tires.

Two brooms were hanging together in a closet. After a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The wedding was lovely.
At the wedding dinner following the wedding the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom."
"Impossible," said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.

A guy was sitting in a nearly empty bar having some beers. He finished one and asked the bartender for another. He gave the guy another beer, along with a free bowl of peanuts. As he sat enjoying the nuts and beer, he heard a voice: "Whoa, man, do you look great today!"
He looked around, but there was no one there.
"Nice shoes. And I just love that sweater, it looks so good on you!"
Bartender, did you hear that? I keep hearing voices saying how good I look and stuff, but there's no one around. What's going on here??
"It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

Santa: I got an anonymous letter.
Banta: From whom?

A crab goes into a restaurant and asks for a baked potato with beans and cheese. The waiter replies, "Sorry sir, we don't serve seafood."

A geometry teacher is having difficulty starting his car. A passing statistics teacher suggests his battery might be flat. The geometry teacher replies "What shape is it supposed to be?"

A capacitor was arrested after beating somebody up. He was charged with battery.

A man went to see his doctor with severe constipation. "What do you normally eat?" the doctor asked him. "Snooker balls," the man replied. "Snooker balls?" the doctor asked in surprise. "Yes, snooker balls," the man replied. "For breakfast, I have the black and the blue. At lunch, I eat the reds and the pink and for supper I have the brown and the yellow." "Ah, I think I know your problem," the doctor said. "You're not eating enough greens."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[If you're easily offended, better stop here. Don't read any further .... ]

++++

In Tennnessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black
mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of
talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies
and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle
down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife,
a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten bucks."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "Aw, he's just a big liar. He didn't do
any of that shit."
+++

Travelling salesman rings a doorbell. Door is opened by a boy, eight years
old, wearing a top hat and a tutu. He has a large martini in one hand, a
cigar in the other.
"Young man, are your parents at home?" asks the travelling salesman.
Replies the boy, "What the $%$# do _you_ think?"
+++

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every
ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of
Fear - everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered
out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big
Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it
was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs,
popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He
leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
six again?"
One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still
gonna get it wrong.
+++

Q: where do u find a dog with no legs?

A: where you left it

Q: what did the car say to the truck?

A: Honk Hink

Whats red and blue and falls outta trees?
A Brick Wearing jeans!

Why did the bubble gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken's foot!

What do you call two recently married spiders?

Newlywebs!

Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide!

What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderware!

Why did the policeman stay in bed? He was an undercover cop!

What did the baby corn say to the mom corn? Where is my pop corn?!

What are goose bumps for? To keep geese from speeding!

What goes zzub, zzub, zzub? A bee flying backwards!

What do you call a horse with a temper?? A nightmare!

What kind of nut sounds like a sneeze? A cashew!

What organ of the body is the last to die? The Liver!

What did one math book say to the other? Boy do we have a lot of problems

What type of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon!

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved!

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk

What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of Room

What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon

How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid

What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise
+++

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."
+++

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls . These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
+++

Doctor doctor, I can't feel my leg!
Yes, I'm afraid we had to amputate your arms.

A woman goes in an Auto (rickshaw) and gets bald??? How???
Automatically ( AutoMeinTakli).....

What would you call a girl who never laughs....?
HASINA !

What is the relation between the sea and Bond?
Bond Bond se Sagar banta hai

What will be the slogan if Bond endorses the Bombay transport line?
Bond with the BEST

Who is Jackie Chan's mother-in-law?
D-Cold. Chan ki saas!

What did love-struck Darmendra do when he missed Hema Malini after the shooting for Sholay ended?
Rang the Basanti

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea! (no eye deer)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh! (no 'I')

A man enters a bank and asks the cashier to check his balance.
So she pushes him.

A bus conductor kills someone. He is arrested and put on the electric chair. They pass high-voltage current through him. But he doesn't die. Why?
Because he is a "bad conductor"

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence

How does the Bengali alphabet go?
It starts with A for Orange (no offense intended, guys ... :)

What would you call Jet Lee if he hikes up his rates?
Cost-Lee

What would you call Jet Lee if he swings the other way?
Gay Lee
+++

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Why is the person who makes fake bank notes successful in life?
A: Because he forges ahead.

How do you make a Swissroll?
A: Push him (the Swiss man) down a mountain!

What's black-white-black-white-black-white-black-white?
A: A nun (or a penguin) rolling down a hill!

What do you get when you cross Jack the Ripper with Kellogg's cornflakes?
A: A cereal killer!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

How do you catch a sneaky rabbit?
Sneak up on it.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

+++
Once a blonde was short of cash. She went to a few houses in her neighbourhood looking for a job. In one house, a man told her he was looking for someone to paint his porch, and aked her if she wanted to do it. The blonde accepted the job and asked $50 for it. This was a lot less than what the man had expected to pay for the job. So the deal was struck.
The man went inside his house and told his wife that a blonde had accepted to paint their porch for just $50. After sometime the blonde entered the house and told him that she had finished her work and collected her wages. Just before she left she told the guy, "By the way that was not a porch, that was a lexus."

+++
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
(if u've seen one, u've seen em' all!)

+++
Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms. "How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head. BONG! "That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower.
A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?" Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

+++
I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day.
I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric acid - it melted but nothing too exciting happened.
I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur - they got burnt slightly, but it wasn't that spectacular.
I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia - suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere!

One day George Bush's had completely dissolved and he had flopped onto the floor, a quivering jelly-like mass."Mr. President!" exclaimed the PA. "What happened?"The President tried to reply but just wobbled in response.
"Shall we call Dick Cheney?" asked the Press Secretary.
"No," said the PA. "His heart is weak enough as it is."
"So, what can we do?"
"Well, I have a radical idea. We could make a George Bush-shaped mold and pour him into it and then leave him in the fridge for an hour or so."
"I don't think that is wise."
"Why not?"
"It could set a President." (precedent)
+++

no offense meant .... :)
Why is it easier to woo Andhra girls?
A: Cause most of them are reddy.

+++

Daddy balloon tells baby balloon that he is too old to sleep in his parents bed any more and from tonight he must sleep alone in the nursery.
Baby balloon is very upset but tries to sleep alone in the nursery that night. By midnight it has become too much and he sneaks into his parents room.
He tries to snuggle in between his parents but they are too close together.He can't get between his parents and is very upset, but suddenly he has a brainwave and he lets a little air out of his father, not enough, so he lets a little air out of his mother .... still not enough so he lets a little air out of himself and all's well as he falls asleep between his parents.
In the morning his father is furious and tells him off "I'm very annoyed about your behaviour last night" says daddy balloon, "you've let me down, you've let your mother down but worst of all you've let yourself down!"

+++
What do you get when you cross Keanu Reaves with Hitler?
A: A Neo-Nazi!

If you can't wait for your next birthday, make spaghetti. Know why?
A: To pasta time.

What happens if you get food poisoning when you are tourist?
A: You become a loo-rist.

+++
Two green beans are walking down the street. A truck comes along and runs over one – squishes him flat. They rush him to the hospital and work on him for hours, while the first green bean paces in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor comes out."So, Doc, how is he?"
"Well, I have good news and I have bad news."
With a sigh, the green bean says, "Ok, give me the good news.""We were able to save your friend. He's going to make it"
"That's wonderful! Thank God! But....what's the bad news?"
The doctor takes a deep breath and says, "I'm afraid he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

+++
Man who runs in front of a car gets tired.
Man who runs behind a car gets 'exhaust'ed.

+++

A keyboard wanted to act. So he went around asking for roles to do. Eventually it got Shah Rukh Khan's in Darr. He was required to mouth the famous dialogue"K-k--k-k-k-kkkiran." But try as much it couldn't. Why?
A: It was K (case) sensitive.
+++

Poor Pandu. Student, erratic perfomer who always managed to flunk, and never made it beyond Class VI. What was his teacher's remark?
A: Form is temporary, class is permanent.
+++

Tom: Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed? Reese... Reese something.
Paul: Witherspoon?
Tom: No, with a knife.

+++

When Hari ordered a pizza, the man at the counter asked him,
"You want it cut into four or eight pieces?"
"Better make it four," said Hari. "I'd never be able to eat eight!"

+++
What would you call the tobacconist who has lost his mind?
A: Manic-Chand
+++

I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
+++

One day Mickey and Donald had a fight. Donald pressed Mickey against the wall and gave him a severe thrashing. A few days later Mickey was seen writing the Ramayana. Why?
A: Cause he had become "Wall" Mickey!

+++
How do Environmentalists save on toilet paper?
They use both sides.
+++
Teacher: Photons have mass.
Student: I didn't know they were catholic!
+++
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a Godfather?
An offer you can't understand.
+++
I am the youngest in the family. My brothers are called Rahmat Elahi (by God's kindness), Barkat Elahi (by God's grace) and Mahbub Elahi (beloved of God). As for me, I am Bas Kar Elahi (God that is enough).
+++
Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead

Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
A: He got hit by the first koala

Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
A: He thought it was a game

Q: Why did the Australian fall off his bike?
A: He got hit in the head by three falling koalas
+++
A linguistics professor giving a lecture explains that in English, prescriptive grammar dictates that a double negative creates a positive. For instance "I ain't got no money" would translate as "I have money."
He then goes on to explain that in most languages, using two positives will create a more emphatic positive.
However, the proffessor concludes, in no language does a double positive create a negative. A student, in the back of the class, shouts "Yeah, right!"
+++
A lady goes to a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. "The middle is meat," she exclaimed, "but the ends are sawdust!" "Well," said the butcher. "These days it's hard to make ends meat."
+++
Gandhiji's war cry?
Keep walking.

What did the Boeing pilot say before crashing?
Mayday! Boing…Boing…Gone!

What was the geology teacher's favourite line?
Geology rocks.

The favourite T-shirt line of pigs?
Shit happens.
+++
Teacher: If you have a glass of sea water and a glass of fresh water, how will you distinguish them?

Student: The glass of sea water will have waves in it
+++
Once Luv and Kush were walking. Suddenly Luv trips falls into a gutter. Why?

A: Cause Luv is blind.

After sometime Kush also falls into the gutter. Why?

A: Cause Luv ke liye Kush be karega.
+++

A man walked into a doctors surgery, with a massive strawberry on his head! The doctor merely looked at the man, an exclaimed "I can give you some cream for that!".

+++

A man walked into a bar, and saw a Gorilla seated at a table in the bar, drinking a beer! Confused, the man walked over to the bartender and exclaimed, "Look at that Gorilla over there! He is drinking a beer in your bar!" the bartender stared at the Gorilla for a moment, then looked back at the man and said, "Odd - he usually orders a coke!".
+++
1. Why was the Tomato blushing?
- Because he saw the salad dressing

2. A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
(Ya, really irritating stuff, na?) :)

3. How do you catch a squirrel?
- Climb into a tree and act like a nut

4. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
- Because he had no guts!

5. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
- A nervous wreck!

6. Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
- Because they taste funny

7. What does Mozart do now that he is dead?
- He decomposes

8. One day this guys house was on fire so he decided he better call the fire department. He got on the phone with the chief and the man was very frantic.
The man said - "Chief you have to get over here. My house is on fire!".
The chief says - "calm down. how do we get to your house?"
and the man said - "don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"

9. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
- Roamin' Catholic

10. There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't

14. What did the apple say to the orange?
- Nothing. apples don't talk!

15. There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? " The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered....

16. Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then, the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the oth er: "Hell, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a couple of fun-gis!"

17. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
- A stick

18. What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
- A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito

19. Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

20. What did the grapes say when I stepped on them?
- Nothing - they just let out a little whine (wine)

21. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
- "Robin, get in the car"

22. What goes 99-thump, 99-thump?
- A centipede with a wooden leg

23. A man is sitting on a park bench, making the STRANGEST noises.
"Are you all right?" asks a concerned stranger.
The man nods and keeps making the noises.
The stranger then asked "Then why are you screaming like that?"
The man replies "It keeps the elephants away."
The stranger mentions that there weren't any elephants for miles.
The man smiled "See, it works!"

24. If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?
- BEAUTY . (Coz' Beauty is in the eye of the bee - holder)

25. What's black white black white black white black white black white...
- a penguin rolling down the stairs

26. Why does E.T. have such big eyes?
- Beause he saw his phone bill

27. What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
- A bad hare day

28. What did one frog say to the other?
- Time's sure fun when you're having flies!

29. Why don't anteaters get sick?
- Because they're full of anty-bodies!

30. What did the digital watch say to his mom?
- "Look mom no hands."

31. A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet!"

32. Why did the Roman chicken cross?
A: She was afraid someone would caesar!

33. Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser

34. A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother,"grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that". A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "how much do you weigh"? The grandmother replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that"!
The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the coversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her drivers license, all the information will be there.

The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weight 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a bashfull way whispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex".

35. A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediate ly says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe t hat you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

Eggs ... Really Bad PJs (lame jokes)

2006-03-17T18:30:00.000-08:00

Hiya Guys,

lolz ... wasn't gonna post till May, eh???? ... lolz ... :)

maybe just a few more ... ???? I think I'm addicted to this or something ... :)

Last night, just couldn't sleep ... was too tired, I guess ... anyways, as I was trying to sleep, came up with a really bad bunch of PJs ... don't really know if I've heard it somewhere or if it's a product of my crazy sleep deprived imagination ... :) so, in the meantime, I'm claiming that these are my own PJs!!! :)

They are seriously lame jokes ... read them at your own risk!!!

An egg falls off the 150th floor of a high-rise, but doesn't break. Why?
A: It was the egg of an eagle. It hatched on the way down. And flew away. Yes, it was a very fast learner! :)

Seeing this all the people in the high-rise evacuated the building. Why?
A: Cause the bird flew. (bird flu)

An egg falls off the 50th floor of a high-rise, but doesn't break. Why?
A: It was wearing a parachute.

An egg falls off the 40th floor of a high-rise, but doesn't break. Why?
A: It was wearing a parachute! Come on yaar u should be knowing this by now!

An egg jumps off the 30th floor of a high-rise, but doesn't break. Why?
A: It was bungee jumping!

An egg is pushed off the 21st floor of a high-rise. But it doesn't break. Why?
A: Coz' all the King's men and all the King's horses and all the King's Emergency Services broke its fall. ... Yes, they were there coz' Humpty Dumpty had just fallen off a nearby wall ....

An egg jumps off the 20th floor of a high-rise, but doesn't break. Why?
A: It was still in its mothers womb. And she was bungee jumping!

An egg falls off the 50th floor of a high-rise. and it breaks. Why?
A: The parachute malfunctions!

An egg jumps off the 40th floor of a high-rise. and it breaks. Why?
A: The bungee rope breaks!

An egg jumps off the 1st floor of a high-rise. and it breaks. Why?
A: The bungee rope was too damn long!

An egg jumps off the 1st floor of a high-rise. and it breaks. Why?
A: It hit the ground ... Duh!

Peace Out!
Anup

Fw: some good quotes ...

2006-03-17T05:37:00.000-08:00

*Arguing with a GIRL is like
'wrestling with a pig in mud'.
After a while, you realize that
while you are getting dirty,
the pig is actually 'enjoying it'.*

*
Help a man when he is in trouble and
he will remember you
when he is in trouble again !!!!*

*
Complex problems have simple,
easy to understand wrong answers *

*
Alcohol 'doesn't solve any problems',
but then again, neither does milk.*

*
Most people are only 'alive' because
it is illegal to shoot them.*

*
You're not a complete idiot,
there're still some parts missing !!!!*

*
Forgive your enemies but
remember their names.

*The number of people watching you
is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.*

*I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to
my father ....
- He said he wanted more proof.*

*Some pain is physical and some is mental,
but one that's both is dental !!!!*

*Life is pleasant, death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.*

Fw: If you love someone ...

2006-03-09T07:42:00.000-08:00

If You Love Somebody

I always thought the original saying was, "If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't yours to begin with."

However, for the purposes of this test, let's use the proposed version. In which category do *you* fall?

"The Old Version"
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

"The New Versions"

Pessimist
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.

Patient
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat *

Vengeful
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't come back,
Hunt her down and shoot her.

C++ Programmer
if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist
If you love somebody, Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial
Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist
If you love somebody, Set her free...
She'll evolve.

Statistician
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high,
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fan
If you love somebody, Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Overpossessive
If you love somebody don't set her free.

HR Specialist
If you love somebody set her free
By Offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.

MBA
If you love somebody set her free...
instantaneously...and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnambulist
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

Rhett Butler
If you love somebody set YOURSELF FREE
If she asks you why say you don't give a damn.

ERP Functional Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Monkey Puzzle ...

2006-03-08T08:21:00.000-08:00

Okay ... I got this puzzle from a colleague ...

Monkey Puzzle (i bet you to answer)

Once There Was A Small Baby Monkey Stranded On A Small Island .
There Was Nothing On This Island Except Dry Grass And A Single Coconut
Tree with Many Coconuts.
One Hot Day The Dry Grass Caught Fire. The Fire Spread Quickly And Soon
The Whole Island Was On Fire.

To Escape The Fire The Small Baby Monkey Climbed Up The Coconut Tree,
But The Wind Was Strong And The Fire Was Quickly Working Its Way Towards
The Tree.

By Now The Tree And The Monkey Was Surrounded By Fire.

The Question Now Is, WHAT SHOULD THE SMALL BABY MONKEY DO TO ESCAPE
THE FIRE

Scroll Down For The Answer ......

Guess What The Answer Is??

Come On Yaar ..... Its Very Simple..

Are you Are Still Thinking !! Can't Find The Answer?

The Answer Is .........

If A Big Monkey Like You Doesn't Know The Answer. How Do You Expect A
Small Baby Monkey To Know ......

Forward This To As Many MONKEYS You Know !!!!!!

*****
Cool, eh? .. lolz ... Anyways, I couldn't resist replying to this as follows:

This is so damn easy! :)

It was a very small island … so the baby monkey should just jump into the sea, and stay there until the fire dies down …

Alternately, it could drink all the coconut water it can, and then piss on the tree so that the fire doesn’t work its way up ... :)

Wot say you ????

- Anup

Fw: of the day - do u love someone this much???

2006-03-03T20:09:00.000-08:00

A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road on a motorcycle....

Girl: Slow down. Im scared.

Guy: No this is fun.

Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!

Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.

Girl hugs him

Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? Its bugging me.

In the paper the next day:

A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure.
Two people were on it, but only one had survived. The truth was that
halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't
want to let the girl know.

Instead, he had her say she loved him & felt her hug him one last time,then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die. If there is anyone in life you love this much, please send this.

Forward this to all your good friends on-line to show them that you care.

-----
Okay, generally, I prefer funny forwards, but this 'senti' one was good too ....

Obviously, you're gonna have to just keep reality aside for a while ... coz' obvious questions such as why didn't he just stop accelerating and allow the bike to slow down gradually? ... arise .... I say, just look at the thought .... that are you ready to die for someone u love? .... do u have someone like that in ur life right now ? .... i know i do .... :)

Optimist, Pessimist...Team mates reactions?

2006-03-01T06:57:00.000-08:00

Well, I had an interesting idea on my way back from work yesterday ... yes the long commute never ceases to inspire me .. ;)

It's difficult for anyone outside of my team to get this joke, as it's just based on the mannerisms of my team-mates .... and my guess on how they'd react to the situation .... Everyone including da boss had a gr8 time reading this ... and I got compliments for 'the most original joke' instead of the usual ... PJ PJ (lame joke) comments ... :) lolz ... anyway, here's the mail I sent out ... (names have been changed to protect identities :)

----
Hiya All,

Was just thinking about how some of our team members would react to this situation -
Optimist – “The glass is half full”

Pessimist – “The glass is half empty”

Opportunist – will just empty the glass and blame it on the Pessimist. (the pessimist probably expects that to happen!)

Anup –
Life’s a bitch! I’m always handed empty glasses! No one appreciates me. I want a long leave. I want a pay-hike. Damn all this! …. (complaining as usual)

AS –
Hamare Dilhi mein aise kehte hain ki –
“ab Gam uThaaye.n kis liye ye dil jalaaye.n kis liye
aa.Nsuu bahaaye.n kis liye yuu.N jaa.N gavaaye.n kis liye
peshaa na ho jis kaa sitam Dhuu.Nde.nge ab aisaa sanam
ho.nge kahii.n to kaar_gar mai.n aur merii aavaaragii”
..... Taaliyan!!!

BB –
Ki? Hainh? … :) ... {that's how she always reacts}

AP –
If the glass was half-empty, you can make it full by putting it in the freezer. A half-full glass of water will become one full glass of Ice…. (the intellectual PJ master)

GW –
Good one … Good one … (QC’s laugh obviously can’t be described here… :)

MP –
Oh God! That’s so funny!!!! …. (her laugh can’t be described either :)

AP –
(his laugh can’t be described either!)

.... but by this time, the whole office knows that the TEAM chaps are working really hard :) ... As usual! ;)

StB –
Manages to crack a smile with great difficulty

GS –
Apun ke Thane mein aisa sab problem nahin hota hain. Mumbai ka saara paani wahin se to aata hain!

LR –
That glass of water cost me Rs.470! I got it when I went shopping yesterday and we shopped for 3 hours ………………………. (I’m still waiting for her to complete the sentence)

ShB –
When I joined the project, we didn’t have a glass. We didn’t even have water. You should be happy that you have a glass today …………… (2 hours later, after the induction session is over, …. I’ve learnt that …. The office AC is really cool …. And that induction sessions should never be held after lunch)

RB –
The glass only appears to be empty. It’s full in a metaphysical sense…… Have you heard the song ‘don’t steal my glass of water’ by Jimi Hendrix? ...

AJ –
Don’t worry. The glass will be filled very soon. It will happen!

:)... :)

NO OFFENCE INTENDED guys. I’m just messing around, as usual. Please don’t misunderstand.

And if u are offended in any way, don’t tell me ….. just email it to me ….and I’ll see what I can do… (SHIFT+DEL) .... :)

Peace Out!

Anup

PS: N, S and B, – u guys have escaped this time … par agli baar nahin bach paaoge! :)

Translating Mirza Ghalib ...

2006-03-01T06:44:00.000-08:00

Well, a friend of mine "AS" is a great fan of Mirza Ghalib. He keeps quoting that stuff in chaste Hindi... something that we regualr Bombay-wallahs aren't too familiar with ... :)

Yesterday, he sent one such "sher" to us all... and although I did understand it, I decided to have fun ... so I gave it my own interpretation (within brackets) and sent it to all in the mailing list ... here it is:

1st stanza:
phirate hai.n kab se dar_ba_dar ab is nagar ab us nagar
.... (From ages I’ve been wandering from town to town)

ek duusare ke ham_safar mai.n aur merii aavaaragii
.... (I am a loafer. I’ve got nothing better to do)

naa aashanaa har rah_guzar naa mehar_baa.N hai ek nazar
....(I am an aimless loafer. Still got nothing better to do.)

jaaye.n to ab jaaye.n kidhar mai.n aur merii aavaaragii
... (Do you have a spare room?)

2nd stanza:
ham bhii kabhii aabaad the aise kahaa.N bar_baad the
...(I used to raise pigs once. I had a lot of ham. But now look at what I am)

bifikr the aazaad the masaruur the dil_shaad the
....(I was free. But then I got married)

vo chaal aisi chal gayaa ham bujh gaye dil jal gayaa
... (She walked all over me. She broke my heart and ate all the ham)

nikale jalaa ke apanaa ghar mai.n aur merii aavaaragii
... (Then she threw me out and made me a wanderer)

3rd stanza:
vo maah-e-vash vo maah-e-ruuh vo maah-e-kaamil huu_ba_huu
...(My wife looked just like a Taamil actress)

thii.n jis kii baate.n kuu_ba_kuu us se ajab thii guftaguu
...(She used to speak too fast… she always said kuu_ba_kuu … I’m still trying to figure out what she meant)

phir yuu.N huaa vo kho ga_ii aur mujh ko zid sii ho ga_ii
...(She wanted me to give up ham. But I was adamant. So she freed the pigs)

laaye.nge us ko Dhuu.ND kar mai.n aur merii aavaaragii
...(I’m still searching for them pigs...)

4th stanza:
ye dil hii thaa jo sah gayaa vo baat aisii kah gayaa
...(I’ll forgive her for what she said … but I’ll never forget that she freed the pigs…)

kahane ko phir kyaa rah gayaa ashko.n kaa dariyaa bah gayaa
...(and they were washed away in the river)

jab kah kar vo dil_bar gayaa tee liye mai.n mar gayaa
...(my pigs were dead … I thought I’d just die)

rote hai.n us ko raat bhar mai.n aur merii aavaaragii
...(I still cry thinking of those pigs … the wasted ham)

5th stanza:
ab Gam uThaaye.n kis liye ye dil jalaaye.n kis liye
...(why should I bother anymore? No use crying over spoilt ham)

aa.Nsuu bahaaye.n kis liye yuu.N jaa.N gavaaye.n kis liye
...(I won’t cry anymore. I won’t eat ham anymore)

peshaa na ho jis kaa sitam Dhuu.Nde.nge ab aisaa sanam
....(But what of my profession? Maybe I can grow chicken?)

ho.nge kahii.n to kaar_gar mai.n aur merii aavaaragii
...(Damn the H5N1 !)

6th stanza:
aasaar hai.n sab khoT ke imkaan hai.n sab choT ke
...(The H5N1 took away my last hope too …)

ghar band hai.n sab koT ke ab Khatm hai sab ToTake
...(everything is over…)

qismat kaa sab ye khel hai andher hii andher hai
...(Why the heck is it so dark in Andheri?)

aise hue hai.n be_asar mai.n aur merii aavaaragii
...(Aren’t u guys switching off ur monitors when u r not at ur desk? u cld save so much power!)

7th stanza:
jab ham_dam-o-ham_raaz thaa tab aur hii andaaz thaa
...(What a gr8 life I had when I had ham)

ab soz hai tab saaz thaa ab sharm hai tab naaz thaa
...(I regret not having enough ham when I had the chance)

ab mujh se ho to ho bhii kyaa hai saath vo to vo bhii kyaa
...(Damn her! She won’t even divorce me!… she’s avoiding the alimony! )

ek behunar ek besabar mai.n aur merii aavaaragii
...(I love ham! I want ham! Do you have any ham?)