Huge collection of PJs
these were sent out by me to my colleagues over the past few weeks ....
What did the underworld don's son say to his dad after he sat for an exam?
A: They questioned me for three hours dad, but I didn't tell them a thing.
A man speeding on his Ferrari runs over a hare killing it. Being an animal lover, he tries to bring back the hare to life. He frantically searches the dicky of his car and finds a spray-can there. He sprays the dead animal with it and, miracles of miracles, the hare springs back to life.
It runs along the road, looks back and waves at the man. Then it runs a little again, looks back, and waves at him. WHY?
A: Look at the can. It's written on it: 'Hair spray. Brings life to dead hair. Increases waviness.'
One day Raghu went to shop for a mobile phone. He checked out many models in a shop and saw one he thought was very different from the rest. Tha phone kept shouting "Hello! Nice to meet you."
Raghu asked the shopkeeper why it was doing so. The shop-keeper replied, "Oh that phone! That's cause it's user-friendly!"
What hospital ward are cigarettes put in?
A: The menthol ward!
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife."No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Just then they saw a communist party official walking toward them."Let's not fight about it," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied:"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
The bear replies, "I'll have a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" (paws)
The bear replies, "I was born with them."
Once a corn plant, a tomato plant and a potato plant started businesses separately. Whose business do you think did the best?
A: Not sure but definitely Corn banega crorepati.
What is a chicken crossing the road called?
A: Poultry in motion.
Dad: Do you know what to do if, when you are driving by an airport, and you see a "low flying aircraft" sign?
Son: Let some air out of the tires.
Two brooms were hanging together in a closet. After a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The wedding was lovely.
At the wedding dinner following the wedding the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom."
"Impossible," said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
A guy was sitting in a nearly empty bar having some beers. He finished one and asked the bartender for another. He gave the guy another beer, along with a free bowl of peanuts. As he sat enjoying the nuts and beer, he heard a voice: "Whoa, man, do you look great today!"
He looked around, but there was no one there.
"Nice shoes. And I just love that sweater, it looks so good on you!"
Bartender, did you hear that? I keep hearing voices saying how good I look and stuff, but there's no one around. What's going on here??
"It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
Santa: I got an anonymous letter.
Banta: From whom?
A crab goes into a restaurant and asks for a baked potato with beans and cheese. The waiter replies, "Sorry sir, we don't serve seafood."
A geometry teacher is having difficulty starting his car. A passing statistics teacher suggests his battery might be flat. The geometry teacher replies "What shape is it supposed to be?"
A capacitor was arrested after beating somebody up. He was charged with battery.
A man went to see his doctor with severe constipation. "What do you normally eat?" the doctor asked him. "Snooker balls," the man replied. "Snooker balls?" the doctor asked in surprise. "Yes, snooker balls," the man replied. "For breakfast, I have the black and the blue. At lunch, I eat the reds and the pink and for supper I have the brown and the yellow." "Ah, I think I know your problem," the doctor said. "You're not eating enough greens."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.
[If you're easily offended, better stop here. Don't read any further .... ]
++++
In Tennnessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black
mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of
talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies
and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle
down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife,
a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten bucks."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "Aw, he's just a big liar. He didn't do
any of that shit."
+++
Travelling salesman rings a doorbell. Door is opened by a boy, eight years
old, wearing a top hat and a tutu. He has a large martini in one hand, a
cigar in the other.
"Young man, are your parents at home?" asks the travelling salesman.
Replies the boy, "What the $%$# do _you_ think?"
+++
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every
ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of
Fear - everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered
out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big
Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it
was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs,
popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He
leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
six again?"
One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still
gonna get it wrong.
+++
Q: where do u find a dog with no legs?
A: where you left it
Q: what did the car say to the truck?
A: Honk Hink
Whats red and blue and falls outta trees?
A Brick Wearing jeans!
Why did the bubble gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken's foot!
What do you call two recently married spiders?
Newlywebs!
Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderware!
Why did the policeman stay in bed? He was an undercover cop!
What did the baby corn say to the mom corn? Where is my pop corn?!
What are goose bumps for? To keep geese from speeding!
What goes zzub, zzub, zzub? A bee flying backwards!
What do you call a horse with a temper?? A nightmare!
What kind of nut sounds like a sneeze? A cashew!
What organ of the body is the last to die? The Liver!
What did one math book say to the other? Boy do we have a lot of problems
What type of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon!
What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved!
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of Room
What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon
How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid
What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise
+++
A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."
+++
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls . These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
+++
Doctor doctor, I can't feel my leg!
Yes, I'm afraid we had to amputate your arms.
A woman goes in an Auto (rickshaw) and gets bald??? How???
Automatically ( AutoMeinTakli).....
What would you call a girl who never laughs....?
HASINA !
What is the relation between the sea and Bond?
Bond Bond se Sagar banta hai
What will be the slogan if Bond endorses the Bombay transport line?
Bond with the BEST
Who is Jackie Chan's mother-in-law?
D-Cold. Chan ki saas!
What did love-struck Darmendra do when he missed Hema Malini after the shooting for Sholay ended?
Rang the Basanti
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea! (no eye deer)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh! (no 'I')
A man enters a bank and asks the cashier to check his balance.
So she pushes him.
A bus conductor kills someone. He is arrested and put on the electric chair. They pass high-voltage current through him. But he doesn't die. Why?
Because he is a "bad conductor"
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence
How does the Bengali alphabet go?
It starts with A for Orange (no offense intended, guys ... :)
What would you call Jet Lee if he hikes up his rates?
Cost-Lee
What would you call Jet Lee if he swings the other way?
Gay Lee
+++
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Why is the person who makes fake bank notes successful in life?
A: Because he forges ahead.
How do you make a Swissroll?
A: Push him (the Swiss man) down a mountain!
What's black-white-black-white-black-white-black-white?
A: A nun (or a penguin) rolling down a hill!
What do you get when you cross Jack the Ripper with Kellogg's cornflakes?
A: A cereal killer!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.
How do you catch a sneaky rabbit?
Sneak up on it.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
+++
Once a blonde was short of cash. She went to a few houses in her neighbourhood looking for a job. In one house, a man told her he was looking for someone to paint his porch, and aked her if she wanted to do it. The blonde accepted the job and asked $50 for it. This was a lot less than what the man had expected to pay for the job. So the deal was struck.
The man went inside his house and told his wife that a blonde had accepted to paint their porch for just $50. After sometime the blonde entered the house and told him that she had finished her work and collected her wages. Just before she left she told the guy, "By the way that was not a porch, that was a lexus."
+++
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
(if u've seen one, u've seen em' all!)
+++
Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms. "How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head. BONG! "That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower.
A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?" Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"
+++
I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day.
I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric acid - it melted but nothing too exciting happened.
I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur - they got burnt slightly, but it wasn't that spectacular.
I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia - suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere!
One day George Bush's had completely dissolved and he had flopped onto the floor, a quivering jelly-like mass."Mr. President!" exclaimed the PA. "What happened?"The President tried to reply but just wobbled in response.
"Shall we call Dick Cheney?" asked the Press Secretary.
"No," said the PA. "His heart is weak enough as it is."
"So, what can we do?"
"Well, I have a radical idea. We could make a George Bush-shaped mold and pour him into it and then leave him in the fridge for an hour or so."
"I don't think that is wise."
"Why not?"
"It could set a President." (precedent)
+++
no offense meant .... :)
Why is it easier to woo Andhra girls?
A: Cause most of them are reddy.
+++
Daddy balloon tells baby balloon that he is too old to sleep in his parents bed any more and from tonight he must sleep alone in the nursery.
Baby balloon is very upset but tries to sleep alone in the nursery that night. By midnight it has become too much and he sneaks into his parents room.
He tries to snuggle in between his parents but they are too close together.He can't get between his parents and is very upset, but suddenly he has a brainwave and he lets a little air out of his father, not enough, so he lets a little air out of his mother .... still not enough so he lets a little air out of himself and all's well as he falls asleep between his parents.
In the morning his father is furious and tells him off "I'm very annoyed about your behaviour last night" says daddy balloon, "you've let me down, you've let your mother down but worst of all you've let yourself down!"
+++
What do you get when you cross Keanu Reaves with Hitler?
A: A Neo-Nazi!
If you can't wait for your next birthday, make spaghetti. Know why?
A: To pasta time.
What happens if you get food poisoning when you are tourist?
A: You become a loo-rist.
+++
Two green beans are walking down the street. A truck comes along and runs over one – squishes him flat. They rush him to the hospital and work on him for hours, while the first green bean paces in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor comes out."So, Doc, how is he?"
"Well, I have good news and I have bad news."
With a sigh, the green bean says, "Ok, give me the good news.""We were able to save your friend. He's going to make it"
"That's wonderful! Thank God! But....what's the bad news?"
The doctor takes a deep breath and says, "I'm afraid he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
+++
Man who runs in front of a car gets tired.
Man who runs behind a car gets 'exhaust'ed.
+++
A keyboard wanted to act. So he went around asking for roles to do. Eventually it got Shah Rukh Khan's in Darr. He was required to mouth the famous dialogue"K-k--k-k-k-kkkiran." But try as much it couldn't. Why?
A: It was K (case) sensitive.
+++
Poor Pandu. Student, erratic perfomer who always managed to flunk, and never made it beyond Class VI. What was his teacher's remark?
A: Form is temporary, class is permanent.
+++
Tom: Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed? Reese... Reese something.
Paul: Witherspoon?
Tom: No, with a knife.
+++
When Hari ordered a pizza, the man at the counter asked him,
"You want it cut into four or eight pieces?"
"Better make it four," said Hari. "I'd never be able to eat eight!"
+++
What would you call the tobacconist who has lost his mind?
A: Manic-Chand
+++
I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
+++
One day Mickey and Donald had a fight. Donald pressed Mickey against the wall and gave him a severe thrashing. A few days later Mickey was seen writing the Ramayana. Why?
A: Cause he had become "Wall" Mickey!
+++
How do Environmentalists save on toilet paper?
They use both sides.
+++
Teacher: Photons have mass.
Student: I didn't know they were catholic!
+++
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a Godfather?
An offer you can't understand.
+++
I am the youngest in the family. My brothers are called Rahmat Elahi (by God's kindness), Barkat Elahi (by God's grace) and Mahbub Elahi (beloved of God). As for me, I am Bas Kar Elahi (God that is enough).
+++
Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead
Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
A: He got hit by the first koala
Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
A: He thought it was a game
Q: Why did the Australian fall off his bike?
A: He got hit in the head by three falling koalas
+++
A linguistics professor giving a lecture explains that in English, prescriptive grammar dictates that a double negative creates a positive. For instance "I ain't got no money" would translate as "I have money."
He then goes on to explain that in most languages, using two positives will create a more emphatic positive.
However, the proffessor concludes, in no language does a double positive create a negative. A student, in the back of the class, shouts "Yeah, right!"
+++
A lady goes to a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. "The middle is meat," she exclaimed, "but the ends are sawdust!" "Well," said the butcher. "These days it's hard to make ends meat."
+++
Gandhiji's war cry?
Keep walking.
What did the Boeing pilot say before crashing?
Mayday! Boing…Boing…Gone!
What was the geology teacher's favourite line?
Geology rocks.
The favourite T-shirt line of pigs?
Shit happens.
+++
Teacher: If you have a glass of sea water and a glass of fresh water, how will you distinguish them?
Student: The glass of sea water will have waves in it
+++
Once Luv and Kush were walking. Suddenly Luv trips falls into a gutter. Why?
A: Cause Luv is blind.
After sometime Kush also falls into the gutter. Why?
A: Cause Luv ke liye Kush be karega.
+++
A man walked into a doctors surgery, with a massive strawberry on his head! The doctor merely looked at the man, an exclaimed "I can give you some cream for that!".
+++
A man walked into a bar, and saw a Gorilla seated at a table in the bar, drinking a beer! Confused, the man walked over to the bartender and exclaimed, "Look at that Gorilla over there! He is drinking a beer in your bar!" the bartender stared at the Gorilla for a moment, then looked back at the man and said, "Odd - he usually orders a coke!".
+++
1. Why was the Tomato blushing?
- Because he saw the salad dressing
2. A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
(Ya, really irritating stuff, na?) :)
3. How do you catch a squirrel?
- Climb into a tree and act like a nut
4. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
- Because he had no guts!
5. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
- A nervous wreck!
6. Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
- Because they taste funny
7. What does Mozart do now that he is dead?
- He decomposes
8. One day this guys house was on fire so he decided he better call the fire department. He got on the phone with the chief and the man was very frantic.
The man said - "Chief you have to get over here. My house is on fire!".
The chief says - "calm down. how do we get to your house?"
and the man said - "don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"
9. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
- Roamin' Catholic
10. There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't
14. What did the apple say to the orange?
- Nothing. apples don't talk!
15. There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? " The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered....
16. Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then, the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the oth er: "Hell, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a couple of fun-gis!"
17. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
- A stick
18. What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
- A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito
19. Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
20. What did the grapes say when I stepped on them?
- Nothing - they just let out a little whine (wine)
21. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
- "Robin, get in the car"
22. What goes 99-thump, 99-thump?
- A centipede with a wooden leg
23. A man is sitting on a park bench, making the STRANGEST noises.
"Are you all right?" asks a concerned stranger.
The man nods and keeps making the noises.
The stranger then asked "Then why are you screaming like that?"
The man replies "It keeps the elephants away."
The stranger mentions that there weren't any elephants for miles.
The man smiled "See, it works!"
24. If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?
- BEAUTY . (Coz' Beauty is in the eye of the bee - holder)
25. What's black white black white black white black white black white...
- a penguin rolling down the stairs
26. Why does E.T. have such big eyes?
- Beause he saw his phone bill
27. What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
- A bad hare day
28. What did one frog say to the other?
- Time's sure fun when you're having flies!
29. Why don't anteaters get sick?
- Because they're full of anty-bodies!
30. What did the digital watch say to his mom?
- "Look mom no hands."
31. A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet!"
32. Why did the Roman chicken cross?
A: She was afraid someone would caesar!
33. Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser
34. A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother,"grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that". A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "how much do you weigh"? The grandmother replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that"!
The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the coversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her drivers license, all the information will be there.
The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weight 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a bashfull way whispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex".
35. A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediate ly says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe t hat you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
What did the underworld don's son say to his dad after he sat for an exam?
A: They questioned me for three hours dad, but I didn't tell them a thing.
A man speeding on his Ferrari runs over a hare killing it. Being an animal lover, he tries to bring back the hare to life. He frantically searches the dicky of his car and finds a spray-can there. He sprays the dead animal with it and, miracles of miracles, the hare springs back to life.
It runs along the road, looks back and waves at the man. Then it runs a little again, looks back, and waves at him. WHY?
A: Look at the can. It's written on it: 'Hair spray. Brings life to dead hair. Increases waviness.'
One day Raghu went to shop for a mobile phone. He checked out many models in a shop and saw one he thought was very different from the rest. Tha phone kept shouting "Hello! Nice to meet you."
Raghu asked the shopkeeper why it was doing so. The shop-keeper replied, "Oh that phone! That's cause it's user-friendly!"
What hospital ward are cigarettes put in?
A: The menthol ward!
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife."No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Just then they saw a communist party official walking toward them."Let's not fight about it," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied:"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
The bear replies, "I'll have a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" (paws)
The bear replies, "I was born with them."
Once a corn plant, a tomato plant and a potato plant started businesses separately. Whose business do you think did the best?
A: Not sure but definitely Corn banega crorepati.
What is a chicken crossing the road called?
A: Poultry in motion.
Dad: Do you know what to do if, when you are driving by an airport, and you see a "low flying aircraft" sign?
Son: Let some air out of the tires.
Two brooms were hanging together in a closet. After a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The wedding was lovely.
At the wedding dinner following the wedding the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom."
"Impossible," said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
A guy was sitting in a nearly empty bar having some beers. He finished one and asked the bartender for another. He gave the guy another beer, along with a free bowl of peanuts. As he sat enjoying the nuts and beer, he heard a voice: "Whoa, man, do you look great today!"
He looked around, but there was no one there.
"Nice shoes. And I just love that sweater, it looks so good on you!"
Bartender, did you hear that? I keep hearing voices saying how good I look and stuff, but there's no one around. What's going on here??
"It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
Santa: I got an anonymous letter.
Banta: From whom?
A crab goes into a restaurant and asks for a baked potato with beans and cheese. The waiter replies, "Sorry sir, we don't serve seafood."
A geometry teacher is having difficulty starting his car. A passing statistics teacher suggests his battery might be flat. The geometry teacher replies "What shape is it supposed to be?"
A capacitor was arrested after beating somebody up. He was charged with battery.
A man went to see his doctor with severe constipation. "What do you normally eat?" the doctor asked him. "Snooker balls," the man replied. "Snooker balls?" the doctor asked in surprise. "Yes, snooker balls," the man replied. "For breakfast, I have the black and the blue. At lunch, I eat the reds and the pink and for supper I have the brown and the yellow." "Ah, I think I know your problem," the doctor said. "You're not eating enough greens."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.
[If you're easily offended, better stop here. Don't read any further .... ]
++++
In Tennnessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black
mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of
talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies
and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle
down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife,
a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten bucks."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "Aw, he's just a big liar. He didn't do
any of that shit."
+++
Travelling salesman rings a doorbell. Door is opened by a boy, eight years
old, wearing a top hat and a tutu. He has a large martini in one hand, a
cigar in the other.
"Young man, are your parents at home?" asks the travelling salesman.
Replies the boy, "What the $%$# do _you_ think?"
+++
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every
ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of
Fear - everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered
out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big
Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it
was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs,
popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He
leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
six again?"
One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still
gonna get it wrong.
+++
Q: where do u find a dog with no legs?
A: where you left it
Q: what did the car say to the truck?
A: Honk Hink
Whats red and blue and falls outta trees?
A Brick Wearing jeans!
Why did the bubble gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken's foot!
What do you call two recently married spiders?
Newlywebs!
Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderware!
Why did the policeman stay in bed? He was an undercover cop!
What did the baby corn say to the mom corn? Where is my pop corn?!
What are goose bumps for? To keep geese from speeding!
What goes zzub, zzub, zzub? A bee flying backwards!
What do you call a horse with a temper?? A nightmare!
What kind of nut sounds like a sneeze? A cashew!
What organ of the body is the last to die? The Liver!
What did one math book say to the other? Boy do we have a lot of problems
What type of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon!
What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved!
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of Room
What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon
How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid
What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise
+++
A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."
+++
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls . These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
+++
Doctor doctor, I can't feel my leg!
Yes, I'm afraid we had to amputate your arms.
A woman goes in an Auto (rickshaw) and gets bald??? How???
Automatically ( AutoMeinTakli).....
What would you call a girl who never laughs....?
HASINA !
What is the relation between the sea and Bond?
Bond Bond se Sagar banta hai
What will be the slogan if Bond endorses the Bombay transport line?
Bond with the BEST
Who is Jackie Chan's mother-in-law?
D-Cold. Chan ki saas!
What did love-struck Darmendra do when he missed Hema Malini after the shooting for Sholay ended?
Rang the Basanti
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea! (no eye deer)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh! (no 'I')
A man enters a bank and asks the cashier to check his balance.
So she pushes him.
A bus conductor kills someone. He is arrested and put on the electric chair. They pass high-voltage current through him. But he doesn't die. Why?
Because he is a "bad conductor"
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence
How does the Bengali alphabet go?
It starts with A for Orange (no offense intended, guys ... :)
What would you call Jet Lee if he hikes up his rates?
Cost-Lee
What would you call Jet Lee if he swings the other way?
Gay Lee
+++
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Why is the person who makes fake bank notes successful in life?
A: Because he forges ahead.
How do you make a Swissroll?
A: Push him (the Swiss man) down a mountain!
What's black-white-black-white-black-white-black-white?
A: A nun (or a penguin) rolling down a hill!
What do you get when you cross Jack the Ripper with Kellogg's cornflakes?
A: A cereal killer!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.
How do you catch a sneaky rabbit?
Sneak up on it.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
+++
Once a blonde was short of cash. She went to a few houses in her neighbourhood looking for a job. In one house, a man told her he was looking for someone to paint his porch, and aked her if she wanted to do it. The blonde accepted the job and asked $50 for it. This was a lot less than what the man had expected to pay for the job. So the deal was struck.
The man went inside his house and told his wife that a blonde had accepted to paint their porch for just $50. After sometime the blonde entered the house and told him that she had finished her work and collected her wages. Just before she left she told the guy, "By the way that was not a porch, that was a lexus."
+++
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
(if u've seen one, u've seen em' all!)
+++
Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms. "How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head. BONG! "That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower.
A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?" Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"
+++
I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day.
I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric acid - it melted but nothing too exciting happened.
I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur - they got burnt slightly, but it wasn't that spectacular.
I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia - suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere!
One day George Bush's had completely dissolved and he had flopped onto the floor, a quivering jelly-like mass."Mr. President!" exclaimed the PA. "What happened?"The President tried to reply but just wobbled in response.
"Shall we call Dick Cheney?" asked the Press Secretary.
"No," said the PA. "His heart is weak enough as it is."
"So, what can we do?"
"Well, I have a radical idea. We could make a George Bush-shaped mold and pour him into it and then leave him in the fridge for an hour or so."
"I don't think that is wise."
"Why not?"
"It could set a President." (precedent)
+++
no offense meant .... :)
Why is it easier to woo Andhra girls?
A: Cause most of them are reddy.
+++
Daddy balloon tells baby balloon that he is too old to sleep in his parents bed any more and from tonight he must sleep alone in the nursery.
Baby balloon is very upset but tries to sleep alone in the nursery that night. By midnight it has become too much and he sneaks into his parents room.
He tries to snuggle in between his parents but they are too close together.He can't get between his parents and is very upset, but suddenly he has a brainwave and he lets a little air out of his father, not enough, so he lets a little air out of his mother .... still not enough so he lets a little air out of himself and all's well as he falls asleep between his parents.
In the morning his father is furious and tells him off "I'm very annoyed about your behaviour last night" says daddy balloon, "you've let me down, you've let your mother down but worst of all you've let yourself down!"
+++
What do you get when you cross Keanu Reaves with Hitler?
A: A Neo-Nazi!
If you can't wait for your next birthday, make spaghetti. Know why?
A: To pasta time.
What happens if you get food poisoning when you are tourist?
A: You become a loo-rist.
+++
Two green beans are walking down the street. A truck comes along and runs over one – squishes him flat. They rush him to the hospital and work on him for hours, while the first green bean paces in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor comes out."So, Doc, how is he?"
"Well, I have good news and I have bad news."
With a sigh, the green bean says, "Ok, give me the good news.""We were able to save your friend. He's going to make it"
"That's wonderful! Thank God! But....what's the bad news?"
The doctor takes a deep breath and says, "I'm afraid he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
+++
Man who runs in front of a car gets tired.
Man who runs behind a car gets 'exhaust'ed.
+++
A keyboard wanted to act. So he went around asking for roles to do. Eventually it got Shah Rukh Khan's in Darr. He was required to mouth the famous dialogue"K-k--k-k-k-kkkiran." But try as much it couldn't. Why?
A: It was K (case) sensitive.
+++
Poor Pandu. Student, erratic perfomer who always managed to flunk, and never made it beyond Class VI. What was his teacher's remark?
A: Form is temporary, class is permanent.
+++
Tom: Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed? Reese... Reese something.
Paul: Witherspoon?
Tom: No, with a knife.
+++
When Hari ordered a pizza, the man at the counter asked him,
"You want it cut into four or eight pieces?"
"Better make it four," said Hari. "I'd never be able to eat eight!"
+++
What would you call the tobacconist who has lost his mind?
A: Manic-Chand
+++
I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
+++
One day Mickey and Donald had a fight. Donald pressed Mickey against the wall and gave him a severe thrashing. A few days later Mickey was seen writing the Ramayana. Why?
A: Cause he had become "Wall" Mickey!
+++
How do Environmentalists save on toilet paper?
They use both sides.
+++
Teacher: Photons have mass.
Student: I didn't know they were catholic!
+++
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a Godfather?
An offer you can't understand.
+++
I am the youngest in the family. My brothers are called Rahmat Elahi (by God's kindness), Barkat Elahi (by God's grace) and Mahbub Elahi (beloved of God). As for me, I am Bas Kar Elahi (God that is enough).
+++
Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead
Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
A: He got hit by the first koala
Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
A: He thought it was a game
Q: Why did the Australian fall off his bike?
A: He got hit in the head by three falling koalas
+++
A linguistics professor giving a lecture explains that in English, prescriptive grammar dictates that a double negative creates a positive. For instance "I ain't got no money" would translate as "I have money."
He then goes on to explain that in most languages, using two positives will create a more emphatic positive.
However, the proffessor concludes, in no language does a double positive create a negative. A student, in the back of the class, shouts "Yeah, right!"
+++
A lady goes to a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. "The middle is meat," she exclaimed, "but the ends are sawdust!" "Well," said the butcher. "These days it's hard to make ends meat."
+++
Gandhiji's war cry?
Keep walking.
What did the Boeing pilot say before crashing?
Mayday! Boing…Boing…Gone!
What was the geology teacher's favourite line?
Geology rocks.
The favourite T-shirt line of pigs?
Shit happens.
+++
Teacher: If you have a glass of sea water and a glass of fresh water, how will you distinguish them?
Student: The glass of sea water will have waves in it
+++
Once Luv and Kush were walking. Suddenly Luv trips falls into a gutter. Why?
A: Cause Luv is blind.
After sometime Kush also falls into the gutter. Why?
A: Cause Luv ke liye Kush be karega.
+++
A man walked into a doctors surgery, with a massive strawberry on his head! The doctor merely looked at the man, an exclaimed "I can give you some cream for that!".
+++
A man walked into a bar, and saw a Gorilla seated at a table in the bar, drinking a beer! Confused, the man walked over to the bartender and exclaimed, "Look at that Gorilla over there! He is drinking a beer in your bar!" the bartender stared at the Gorilla for a moment, then looked back at the man and said, "Odd - he usually orders a coke!".
+++
1. Why was the Tomato blushing?
- Because he saw the salad dressing
2. A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
(Ya, really irritating stuff, na?) :)
3. How do you catch a squirrel?
- Climb into a tree and act like a nut
4. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
- Because he had no guts!
5. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
- A nervous wreck!
6. Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
- Because they taste funny
7. What does Mozart do now that he is dead?
- He decomposes
8. One day this guys house was on fire so he decided he better call the fire department. He got on the phone with the chief and the man was very frantic.
The man said - "Chief you have to get over here. My house is on fire!".
The chief says - "calm down. how do we get to your house?"
and the man said - "don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"
9. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
- Roamin' Catholic
10. There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't
14. What did the apple say to the orange?
- Nothing. apples don't talk!
15. There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? " The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered....
16. Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then, the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the oth er: "Hell, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a couple of fun-gis!"
17. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
- A stick
18. What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
- A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito
19. Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
20. What did the grapes say when I stepped on them?
- Nothing - they just let out a little whine (wine)
21. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
- "Robin, get in the car"
22. What goes 99-thump, 99-thump?
- A centipede with a wooden leg
23. A man is sitting on a park bench, making the STRANGEST noises.
"Are you all right?" asks a concerned stranger.
The man nods and keeps making the noises.
The stranger then asked "Then why are you screaming like that?"
The man replies "It keeps the elephants away."
The stranger mentions that there weren't any elephants for miles.
The man smiled "See, it works!"
24. If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?
- BEAUTY . (Coz' Beauty is in the eye of the bee - holder)
25. What's black white black white black white black white black white...
- a penguin rolling down the stairs
26. Why does E.T. have such big eyes?
- Beause he saw his phone bill
27. What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
- A bad hare day
28. What did one frog say to the other?
- Time's sure fun when you're having flies!
29. Why don't anteaters get sick?
- Because they're full of anty-bodies!
30. What did the digital watch say to his mom?
- "Look mom no hands."
31. A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet!"
32. Why did the Roman chicken cross?
A: She was afraid someone would caesar!
33. Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser
34. A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother,"grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that". A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "how much do you weigh"? The grandmother replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that"!
The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the coversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her drivers license, all the information will be there.
The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weight 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a bashfull way whispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex".
35. A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediate ly says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe t hat you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
posted by anup.777 at 10:19 PM
3 Comments:
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
This one's actually funny!
Anup ur really srudying ha? lol okkk I can see that cos ur 9-5 blog is full of new posts :)
lol funny ones!
Keshi.
:) u two ... lolz ... yup, I'm really studying!!! :)
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