Fw: Elephants ....

*Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?*

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A: Take away his credit card.*

*Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?*

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A:Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.*

*Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?*

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A: Because it fell asleep.*

*Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?*

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A: It was glued to the first one.*

*Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?*

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A: It was a copy cat.*

*Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?*

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A: It thought this was all a game.*

*Q: And why did the tree fall down?*

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A: It thought it was an elephant.*

*Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in common?*

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A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.*

*Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?*

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A: Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.*

*Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?*

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A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.*

*Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?*

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A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.*

*Q: How do you shoot a green elephant? *

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A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,
then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.*

*Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?*

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! A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top, then you take it out
in the jungle where the pink elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually
the elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins and throws the
cake away. Then you go home and bake another cake and put 2 raisins on top,
take it out in the jungle where the elephant will find it. The elephant
comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2 raisins and throws the cake away.
You go home and bake another cake and put only one raisin on it. Then you
trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the pink elephant will find
it. The elephant comes along eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now
you go home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky part) you don't
put any raisins on it. You take it out into the jungle where the elephant
will find it and lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds the
cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins on it, he turns red, then
you jump on him, strangle him until he turns blue......and you shoot him
with a BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!*

*Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?*

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A: Aw, come on, have you ever seen a yellow elephant !?!*

*Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?*

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A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.*

*Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?*

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A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?*

*Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?*

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A: Time to get a new fence.*

*Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?*

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A: Any damn place where he pleases!*

*Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles?*

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A: Ever try to iron one?

Thought for da day .....

Deep deep down,
we want to be rich
to be admired
to eat like a horse and be skinny as a snake
to have small children ask for our autographs
to be on terrific medications that make us calm, witty and sexy
to sing divinely in public

But in the absence of all that, ...
... its enough to be loved.

-Garrison Keillor

Fw: The Headache

"The Headache"
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years".
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS