Fw: Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like Bipasha Basu, don't Expect us to be like John
Abraham.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh!

Fw: HR Memo

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul
language during the course of normal conversation with their
co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees
who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no
longer tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able
to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue in an effective manner without risk
of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO...

TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
When the #### do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING
I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No ####### way!!

TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING
Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF
Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF
It's not my ####### problem.

TRY SAYING
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the ####?!?!

TRY SAYING
I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF
#### it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF
Who the #### cares?

TRY SAYING
He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF
He's got his head up his a$$.

TRY SAYING
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat shit and die ######.

TRY SAYING
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my a$$.

TRY SAYING
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF
#### it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up you're a$$.

TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.

TRY SAYING
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another ####### meeting!!!

TRY SAYING
I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF
I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He's a ####### prick.

TRY SAYING
She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF
She's a bitch.

TRY SAYING
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF
You don't know what the #### you're doing

---
This one is close to my heart ... have felt like using the uncensored versions quite often ... ;)

FW: what those nice sounding lines in job ads really mean

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

... and always remember -
A modern employer - one who wants to hire 25-30 yr olds with 40 yrs of experience.

Fw: a few lame ones ....

Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?
Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.

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Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have came again..

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Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Santa : I was watching TV na....

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Thought for the Day!!!

If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?

Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM

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When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?

Answer : On their Wedding !!