Fw: What women want

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of aneighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved byArthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year tofigure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone:The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch,For only she would have the answer.But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to thewitch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified.She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
"What a woman really wants?" She said, "Is to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was.

The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom.

And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half.

"Which would you prefer? She asked him. "Beautiful during the day ... or at night?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch! Or, Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments

(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?

(If you are a woman reading this..) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose, is given below:

BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below... OKAY?







Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question,

He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
Because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life."


Now... what is the moral to this story?
Scroll Down........






The moral is...
1) There is a witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

So, always remember:IT'S EITHER "HER WAY" OR IT'S "NO WAY" !!! :)

Fav quotes used in 2006

A roundup of some of my favorite quotes ... :)

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

"She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech."

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

"A good report is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation"

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway

Boldly going nowhere….

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend

"What if this weren't a hypothetical question?"

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

They say we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make…

Pessimist – “things couldn’t possibly get worse than this” … Optimist (brightly) – “oh yes they can”

Those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do

"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility"!

Every morning is the dawn of a new error

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by

Everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE

Multi-tasking means screwing up several things at once.

Saving is the best thing, especially if your parents have done it for you.

I can resist everything except temptation

CAUTION: Dain bramaged

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

"When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?"

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."

"If you cant dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull"

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets

"I kinda love being a pessimist - coz' I'm either proved right, or am pleasantly surprised."

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

"To make a million, start with $900,000."

Maybe this world is another planet's hell

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the person you can't live without...but whichever you do, you'll regret it!

"Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell."

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”

Fw: Resume

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Fw: Kids say the darndest things ...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 (smart girl)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Fw : Why I Fired My Secretary !!!!

Why I Fired My Secretary !!!!
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss". Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a
big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends,
all singing Happy Birthday.


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And there I sat...on the couch..........naked!

Fw: Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like Bipasha Basu, don't Expect us to be like John
Abraham.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh!

Fw: HR Memo

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul
language during the course of normal conversation with their
co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees
who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no
longer tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able
to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue in an effective manner without risk
of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO...

TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
When the #### do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING
I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No ####### way!!

TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING
Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF
Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF
It's not my ####### problem.

TRY SAYING
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the ####?!?!

TRY SAYING
I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF
#### it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF
Who the #### cares?

TRY SAYING
He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF
He's got his head up his a$$.

TRY SAYING
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat shit and die ######.

TRY SAYING
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my a$$.

TRY SAYING
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF
#### it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up you're a$$.

TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.

TRY SAYING
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another ####### meeting!!!

TRY SAYING
I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF
I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He's a ####### prick.

TRY SAYING
She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF
She's a bitch.

TRY SAYING
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF
You don't know what the #### you're doing

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This one is close to my heart ... have felt like using the uncensored versions quite often ... ;)